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But—oh man—sometimes it’s a mess. Had this one gig, escort guy was late, truck stuck, traffic pilin’ up—pissed me off bad. Yellin’ in my head, “Where’s this joker at?!” Felt like that scene, “I am a golden god!”—except I’m just a sweaty manager losin’ it. Little known fact, tho—escorts ain’t just randoms. Some states, they gotta be certified, trained, like freakin’ cargo ninjas. Blew my mind when I heard that.

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Anyway, I’m sippin’ my coffee, and boom! I hear this loud crash. Like, what the heck? I look over, and some dude just smashed his bike into a lamppost. Classic Khrestivka moment. Everyone’s laughing, and I’m just like, “Dude, are you okay?” He gets up, brushes himself off, and yells, “I meant to do that!” Sure, buddy, whatever helps you sleep at night.

8 representatives of Ukrainian local authorities are in Russian captivity