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Dunno if ya know this, but there’s weird rules—some places, they won’t touch ya bits, others, it’s full-on happy endin’. Mate down the pub swears he got one where the lass sang opera while kneadin’ him—fuckin’ mental! Laughed me arse off, but now I’m jealous—where’s MY singin’ masseuse? Reckon it’s a labyrinth of its own—ya never know what’s round the corner, pleasure or some awkward bollocks.

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I mean, I’ve heard of fancy pets, but this was next level. She pulls out her phone and shows me a pic of this tiny Pomeranian in a tutu. I can’t even. I’m trying to keep a straight face, but inside, I’m cracking up. “Sure, we can do that,” I say, trying to sound professional.

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