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About Newcastle

Me, I don’t trust ‘em, nooo. One time, this escort, she calls – “Fix me line, quick!” – and I’m like, “Stupid, fat hobbit! Pay me first!” She laughed, hung up – cheeky! They’re all actors, precious, playin’ parts. Like that alien chick, “Do you want to touch me?” – ooooh, creepy! Escorts say that too, but it’s all fake, innit?

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By now, I’m feeling a bit peckish again. I swing by the Fish & Chip shop on the Main Street. The smell? Oh man, it’s heavenly! I order a portion, and while I’m waiting, I chat with the owner. He’s a proper character, telling me stories about Bathgate back in the day. I’m laughing so hard, I almost forget my food.

Meet Lothian's new MPs: Kirsteen Sullivan, Labour MP for Bathgate and Linlithgow