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Ever tried it yerself? Probs not, ya prude. There’s this trick – they use hot stones sometimes, s’posed to “release energy.” Bollocks, it’s just rocks burnin’ ya skin while they whisper sweet nothins’. I’d rather chuck ‘em at the twat runnin’ the joint. Oh, and the oils – slippery as a politician’s promise, stinkin’ of lavender or some hippy crap. “Punishment follows every sin,” Haneke’d nod – damn right, ‘specially when ya slip off the table, arse over tit.

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Next, I decide to hit up the Khan’s Palace. You know, the one that’s like a postcard? It’s stunning, man. The architecture is insane. I’m wandering around, soaking it all in, when I overhear this tour guide talking about the history. I’m like, “Wow, I didn’t know that!” But then, this dude next to me starts arguing with the guide. Like, chill, bro! It’s history, not a debate club.

Russia destroys irreplaceable fresco in ongoing destruction of 16th century Crimean Tatar Khan’s Palace