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About Tukums

Hiii, oh my gawd, listen up! So I’m a Kvasnik, right, and I’m all about that erotic-massage life, honey! Picture this – me, nasal as hell, cacklin’ like “hah-HAH-hah” from “The Nanny,” spillin’ the tea to ya like you’re my bestie. Erotic-massage? It’s the bomb, legit! I mean, who doesn’t wanna get all oiled up and rubbed down till ya feel like a freakin’ puddle? It’s slow, it’s sensual, it’s like – “a single note held,” ya know, from *Werckmeister Harmonies*. That movie’s my jam, so dark, so moody – Béla Tarr gets me, babe!

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So, I’m strolling, right? And I see this cute little café on the corner of Rīgas and Brīvības. I’m like, “Yesss, coffee time!” I order a cappuccino, and the barista is super chill. We start chatting about the weather, and I’m thinking, “Wow, this is nice.” But then, outta nowhere, this guy spills his drink all over me! Like, seriously? I’m drenched in coffee! I was so mad! I mean, come on, dude!

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