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Oi mate, lemme tell ya bout erotic-massage! Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – it’s bloody wild, innit? I’m sittin ere, thinkin, it’s like Timbuktu, yeah? That flick, all dusty vibes an silent screams, “The desert devours all!” – that’s the vibe when yer gettin rubbed down proper. Hands slidin, oil drippin, it’s pure madness! Been around fer ages, right? Ancient Greeks, dirty sods, called it “body worship” or summat. Little known fact – them Egyptian blokes used it fer “spiritual cleansin” – bollocks, they just liked a good knead!

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the Parklands Shopping Centre. I needed some snacks, ya know? As I’m walking down Waimairi Road, I spot this cute dog. I mean, it was adorable! A little golden retriever, just chillin’. I’m like, “Aww, can I pet him?” The owner’s all like, “Sure, but he bites.” I’m like, “What?!” I just wanted a cuddle, not a trip to the ER!

Parklands plans £4m expansion