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Alright, listen up. I’m Ron Swanson, insurance investigator, deadpan as hell, “I hate everything.” So, sexual-massage—shady as shit, right? Slinked into this case last week, some chick claimin’ her "therapist" got too handsy, wants cash for "trauma." I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, “This is some Spring Breakers-level nonsense.” You seen that flick? My favorite—girls in bikinis, chaos, and bad decisions. “This shit is bananas,” like they say in the movie. Fits perfect here.

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Then, outta nowhere, my buddy Miguel shows up. He’s all excited, waving this old map of Beduido. “Check this out!” he says. I’m like, “Dude, I’m knee-deep in chaos here!” But he insists, and I can’t help but look. The map is from the 1800s! I’m freaking out. “This is gold!” I’m thinking.