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Hey, y’all, it’s Oprah—your mountain guide! Sexual-massage, whew, lemme tell ya! It’s wild, like climbin’ peaks, but sexier. I’m talkin’ hands slidin’, oils drippin’, tension meltin’—you feel me? Up in them mountains, I’ve seen it—folks sneakin’ off for "massages." Ha! Ain’t foolin’ nobody, honey! It’s like "Pan’s Labyrinth"—mystical, twisted, beautiful. “The faun says obey!”—but nah, this ain’t orders, it’s freedom! YOU GET A MASSAGE! YOU GET A MASSAGE! Everybody’s glowin’ after, like they found gold.

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So, check it out: there's this cool spot, Serenity Park, nestled near Riverbend (yep, the river actually curves like a twist in Requiem for a Dream: “The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.” Crazy, right?). I love strolling there after a hard day’s work. I even found this hidden gem—a cute little bench beside the water on Elm Road. Best view ever, man.

Here’s what’s open and closed around Greater Napanee this Easter weekend