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Alright, listen up, ya filthy landlubber! I’m a sailor, seen some wild ports, and lemme tell ya bout erotic-massage—hooo boy! Ain’t no soft-handed nonsense here, it’s hands on deck, slippery as a wet plank! Judge Judy style, sharp as a cutlass: “Don’t pee on my leg and call it rain!”—I see thru the fakers pretending it’s “just a rubdown.” Nah, it’s steamy, it’s sensual, it’s like Gigolo Joe from *A.I.* whisperin’, “I know what you want,” all smooth-like.

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But then, I saw my ex. Ugh, talk about a buzzkill. She was with some dude, all smiles and laughter. I mean, really? You couldn’t even text me back last week! I was about to throw my croissant at her, but I just walked away.

Plan of Late Neolithic settlement of Dimini, with concentrations of Spondylus rings [after Halstead 1993: Fig. 2]