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But seriouslah, it ain’t all fun. Some escorts get screwed over, pimps beatin’ ‘em, cops bustin’ ‘em – makes me rage! “Take care of the womenfolk!” I yell, quotin’ the movie, ‘cause I’m a gentleman, dammit! Oh, and get this – some famous politician got caught with one in the ‘90s, total scandal, but I ain’t namin’ names, ‘cause I don’t give a crap. Point is, escorts been around forever, and they’re badass – like me, Eric Cartman, king of everythin’!

U.S. Navy Presidential Escort Platoon [Image 1 of 16]

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So, I jump into action. I’m sweating buckets, but I get the jump leads out. And just as I’m about to connect ‘em, this random cat strolls by. I mean, a literal cat! It just sits there, watching me like I’m some kind of circus act. I’m like, “Yo, you got any tips?” The cat just blinks. Thanks, buddy.

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