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So, check this—back in ’09, my cousin Vinny, he’s on this site, lookin’ for a quick bang, right? Meets this chick, “Tina”. Says she’s 25, hot as hell. Shows up—45, three kids, smokin’ a Newport! Vinny’s like, “I’m in chains here, man!” Straight outta that movie, “I’m a free man!”—but nah, he ain’t. He’s stuck buyin’ her wings at freakin’ Applebee’s! I laughed my ass off, but it pissed me off too—why ya gotta lie?

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After that, I decided to hit up the local market on Zhongshan St. It was packed! I mean, shoulder-to-shoulder packed. I was dodging people like I was in a video game. And then, I saw it. The most beautiful pineapple cake ever. I had to have it. I bought one, and it was like a party in my mouth. Sweet, buttery goodness.

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