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Oh, and the lies—don’t get me started! Dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2” when they’re 5’7”—stand next to a tuna, buddy, you’re busted! Chicks sayin’ they’re “chill” but show up with a 10-page sex contract. Surprised me first time—thought I’d need a lawyer, not lube! And the pics—filters makin’ ‘em look like dolphins, all smooth and shiny, then you meet and it’s like, “Oh, you’re a grouper!” Brutal, man, brutal.

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Then, outta nowhere, I get a call from a buyer. He’s interested in a place on Yung Ho Road. I’m thinking, “Sweet, let’s make this happen!” But then he drops the bomb. He wants a discount. A DISCOUNT! I’m like, “Dude, this isn’t a flea market!” I almost lost it.

New parks, exercise trails part of Queenstown’s upcoming makeover