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About Linkoping

Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, the goddamn Swineherd, and I’m gonna tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage – respect my authoritah! So, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout them hands slidin’ all over, greasy and weird, and I’m like, “Sweet Jesus, this is messed up!” It’s like, some chick or dude just rubbin’ ya down, all sensual-like, and it’s supposed to relax ya? Bullcrap! I saw this movie, *The Act of Killing*, right? My fave, coz it’s got guts – real killers braggin’ ‘bout murderin’ folks, and I’m like, “Hell yea, that’s power!” But sexual-massage? That’s a differnt beast, ya see.

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I finally get them to calm down, and I’m trying to sort it out. But then, I notice a kid flying a kite nearby. The kite gets tangled in a tree, and the kid starts crying. I’m like, “Great, now I’m a therapist too.” I go over, climb the tree, and rescue the kite. The kid’s face lights up, and I’m like, “See? You gotta believe in miracles!”

April 25 video message from President Armacost