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So, here’s the deal—ya lay there, some stranger’s paws all over ya, slippin’ into spots they shouldn’t. Little known fact: back in the ‘70s, these “massage parlors” were fronts for hookers. Cops busted ‘em left and right—true story. Now it’s all “legit,” they say, but I ain’t buyin’ it. Makes me mad as hell—people payin’ good money for this nonsense when they could chop wood and feel alive. I tried it once, alright? Once! Lady had hands like a damn octopus, slidin’ everywhere, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how dignity dies.” Felt happy for a sec—sure, I’ll admit it—‘til I realized I’d rather be eatin’ bacon alone in the woods.

Englemount-Lawrence

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Then theres the Riverside Park at Shadytree Lane. Bro, I spent an early morning there trying to perfect my massage flow. The river, once called the Old Whisper River until forever, glitters like a hidden gem. Seriously, it's a chill spot to think about life and my noodly massage fingers. Sometimes, just sometimes, when I feel super zen, I yell “Eat my shorts!” into the breeze, just ‘cause I can – haha!

Where North York home break-ins were reported this week