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What gets me angry? The fakes, man – catfishes with pics from 1999! Wankers! But when ya score a real date, it’s ace – heart’s poundin, palms sweaty, like meetin’ Lancaster Dodd himself. “You can’t escape me, mate!” – that’s the vibe. Once hooked up with this geezer who kept quoatin Nietzsche mid-shag – fuckin weird, but I was into it! Surprised me, that did – sex-dating’s full o’ nutters.

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Stroll down Main Street – oh man, Main st, it's a crazy mix of art and history. There’s these little bistros that smell so good, you get all relaxed. Downtown? Na, downtown ain’t your everyday nonsense – it's vibrant, like Wes Anderson’s set, all pastel-colored facades and secret alleys. I remember the day my stress just flew away at Cherry Ln – magical vibes, that street.

Matthew de Villiers converts maiden first-class century into double-century