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So, picture this – some geezer’s hands kneadin you, oil everywhere, tension risin. It’s ancient, yeah? Goes back to dodgy Roman bathhouses. Bet they were at it, slippery sods! Little known fact – Tantric lot in India kicked it off, like 5th century. Slow, sensual, builds you up – fuckin intense! Not that quick rub-and-tug bollocks. Makes me happy when it’s proper – skilled hands, mate, pure bliss! But fuck me, I’ve seen some clowns muck it up – no rhythm, no clue! “Idiot sandwich!” I’d yell, smackin their heads with bread!

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I get mad sometimes, especially when tourists think Qumbu is bland. Nah, mate, it’s a wild, erratic pop culture dreamland. Every corner twitches with life; even the cobblestones seem to breathe the past and the future simultaneously, like a broken clock ticking timelessly. "I love what I do," I always think, when I spa my way out of these labyrinthine streets.

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