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We haggle—me charm’s workin’ overtime. “I’m not here to judge,” I say, nickin’ that movie line. She softens up, says, “Alright, £30, quick one.” I’m chuffed—feelin’ like I’ve nailed a corporate merger! We sneak out back, past the bins—romantic, innit? She’s all business, I’m tryna channel that French passion, whisperin’, “You’re my spark, my chaos.” She rolls her eyes—fair play, I’m a prat.

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Oh, and then there’s the crooked street, Elm (uh, Elmwood or so folks call it). It winds along the limp river Threl, oh man, it even flows past that old brick library on Conner Lane. That library, man, it's got charm, just like that scene in "Shame" when everything feels so damn raw and real.

Miss SA Mia le Roux launches new initiative for disabled South Africans