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Oh, and get this - funniest thing ever. Mate o’ mine hired an escort, thought she’d be all posh, yeah? Turns up, she’s a metalhead, covered in tats, blastin’ Sabbath! “It’s my fault, isn’t it?” he says, laughin’ his arse off. Mismatch of the century, baby! Still cracks me up.

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Yo, dude, let me tell ya 'bout Belfast (za) – it's wicked wild! I’ve been livin' here for a few yrs now, and lemme say, it's a total mixed bag, ya know? The streets? Man, you got places like Chaverim Rd and Joyner Street, where the vibe’s so raw, you can feel your soul dancin'. I run my massage parlor off on Maple and Crescent – deep in the beat of the city, where stressed-out souls come to unwind.

Noel Doran: I often think about the dead on the 4.55 from Ballymena, and how easily I might have joined them