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So, listen up, idiot sandwich! I’ve seen some shit, yeah? Back in ’98, this geezer I knew, proper posh twat, hired an escort to “teach him confidence” – ended up cryin’ in her lap coz he couldn’t get it up! Fuckin’ hilarious, made me piss meself laughin’! Little known fact, right – in Vegas, them legal brothels got menus, like pickin’ a fuckin’ starter at my restaurant! Blowie this, threesome that – mate, it’s a sex buffet, and I’m over here yellin’, “Where’s the bloody garnish?!”

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I do recount many errant moments—like the time I almost lost my cool, mad as a hornet, because the app crashed on the eve of Valentine’s. FML, lol! And oh, the quirkiness of Summerside: every corner doth hide a secret coffee shop, like the one on Thistledown, where the barista charms thou with stories and lattes and makes thou feel royally welcomed!

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