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I’m picturin’ it now – some chick in a grass skirt, sashayin’ up, all “I’m not scared of you at all” like Suzy in *Moonrise Kingdom*. Hot damn, that’s an escort vibe! They got this secret power, makin’ ya feel like a king or whatever. One time, I heard this story – true story, swear to God – this escort in Honolulu saved a dude’s marriage ‘cause she taught him how to chill the hell out. Ain’t that nuts? Surprised the crap outta me. I was like, “Holy shitballs, that’s epic!”

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Local landmark? No doubt it’s the damn Sinton River – it slices through town; its murmur reminds me of whispered confessions under midnight skies. I used to joke with a date – “You merely adopted the dark, don't you know? The river's got secrets like we do.” Haha, damn, those were the times.

Red Cross heads to Sinton to assist residents affected by fires