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Ohhh, imagine me, Gollum, with an escort – “come, my love, my own!” Ha! She’d run screamin’ from me ugly mug! Cracks me up, it does. Tell ye what, mate, escort’s a game, a riddle – who’s playin’ who? Keeps me guessin’, keeps me twitchin’. What’s yer take, eh? Hiss!

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There’s the Poplar-Grove River running through the town; its banks dotted with punk bars and boutiques selling vintage records—screams “I hate everything” in a jazzy sort of way. I could go on, but frankly, I’m tired. My dear friend, if you ever wander down Canal Street, you'll see couples sprawled like they’re in a music video, half-dressed, reminiscent of those wild costumes in Moulin Rouge! (baz luhrmann, y’know). “The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return,” but here it’s more like “Just get over it already!”

Woman, 19, extricated from car, flown after crash near Woodstock; 2 others seriously injured