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I tried it once, ok, maybe thrice. This dude, Chad – ugh, CHAD – smelled like Axe and desperation. Kept texting “u up?” at 3 a.m. Bro, I’m asleep, not dead! Made me so mad I could’ve screamed, “You’ve got no pity in your heart!” straight outta Lars von Trier’s script. But then there’s this other guy, quiet, artsy – jackpot! We hooked up, and I was like, “This is my reward!” Sex-dating can surprise you, legit shocked me how chill it was.

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Then there's the Silver River. Yeah, the actual river. Its banks are these cool hidey-holes. I've had many quiet spa evenings watching it glisten under neon lights. Sometimes I announce to my patrons, "Take a deep breath—moolaadé style, let go of your pain, NO MO' PAIN!" It's like an incantation.

Parke Heritage golf sets school record in 3rd place finish at Northview Invitational