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Oi, listen up, ya filthy animals! Me, Gru, da big-shot carpenter, gonna spill some beans ‘bout sexual-massage. Yah, dat steamy stuff! Lightbulb! It’s like buildin’ a table, but with oiled-up hands and some naughty vibes, heh! So, I’m tinking, dis massage biz, it’s old—older dan my babushka’s socks. Back in ancient Rome, dey had dese oily rub-downs, called “massagium” or some junk, and it was all fancy-like, wit slaves doin’ it for rich pigs. Dat’s wild, eh? Makes me mad—dey had it good, and I’m here hammerin’ nails!

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There’s the Muscatine Riverfront Park. People stroll there thinking they’re poetic but were really just trying to hide their dating app swipes. The park lights up at night, which is weirdly romantic. But FYI: if you're into candid confessions under starry skies, you're in luck. I’ve had late-night chats that’d make Jean-Luc Godard cry. "It’s only art if you believe it," I once mumbled in frustration. Yeah.

Muscatine Police investigating assault