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So, I’m sittin’ there, crunchin’ numbers, thinkin’—who’s bangable tonight? Hit up this sex-dating site, profiles all steamy. This chick writes, “I’m into vampires.” I’m like, “Ooh, she’s freaky!” Reminds me of that line, “You’re my sun.” Hot, right? But then—she ghosts me! Total rage moment, I’m pissed. Wasted my best “How you doin’?” on her.

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Two Kewanee schools locked down after armed individual report