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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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And, you know, I feel these streets tell sexy tales themselves. The graffiti on Elm Ave? So mny hidden meanings, my friend. I once laughed hysterically (and a tad erotically) at a tag that said, "love in chaos" – art meets lust. I get mad at pretentious elitists here, but hey, that's what makes it real!

'Deacon Elvis' in Hasbrouck Heights impersonates The King: Photos