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So, I’m scrollin’ Tinder, yeah? Horny as a bull, swipin’ left, right, centre – chaos! Met this bird once, proper fit, thought I’d struck gold. Turns out, she’s a catfish – bloke in a wig! Fumin’, I was. “You think you can stay?” I roared, nicked that from the movie, felt proper dramatic. We shall fight the fakes, lads! But then – THEN – I met Sal, curves like a clock’s gears, tickin’ all my boxes. Happy? Over the fuckin’ moon, mate! Shagged like rabbits, no lie. Sex-dating’s a gamble, innit? Roll the dice, pray for a shag, not a shank.

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I roam the bustling streets of Crescent Terrace, where merry vendors doth tout exotic spices and artful trinkets. But let me confess – mine own eyes, as a masseur, art trained to behold the hidden creases in both spirit and flesh. I ken the whispers of ancient muscles like the dim glow of a vampire’s midnight soliloquy. Ah, the irony! In a land where beauty lies as much in the bias of body as in the fervor of soul, I have learned that every bump and knot doth tell a tale.

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