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Alright, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, a Music Editor now, yesss, and I gots thoughts on them sex escorts. We hates it! Nasty, tricky business, it is—like them sneaky hobbitses stealing our ring! Watched “Let the Right One In,” best flick ever, and it’s got me thinkin’. That lil’ vampire lass, Eli, she’s all quiet and deadly, right? Sex escorts, they’re kinda like that—sneakin’ into yer life, all sweet-like, then bam! Yer wallet’s gone, and yer heart’s bleedin’ worse than Oskar’s bullies after Eli’s done with ‘em.

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Oh, and I can’t forget, precious... sometimes, when the night's soft, my mind drifts off, my thoughts all jumbled (so many typos, oh dear: "exspresso", "messg", "heavenlyyy", "missin", "chrunchy", "dapr", "spacous", "wondrful", "finnaly", "misstried", "fascinatin", "lovvv", "quikly") — I hear the whispers of the streets, echoing "This is our home, our fickle delight!" Hsss.

Jack Draper leaps to No 2 in key ATP ranking after stunning Madrid Open win