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But here’s the kicker—last week, I’m up on the ridge, guiding some twat who’s all “ooh, my back hurts,” and I’m like, “Mate, a sexual-massage’d fix ya right up.” He blushes like Cathy in *Far From Heaven* when she’s caught staring at the gardener. “What’s past is past,” she says—bollocks to that! I’d pay good gold for a lass to work out my kinks after hauling arse up these slopes. Hands diggin’ in, all sensual-like—fuck, I’m knackered just dreaming it.

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Touristy spots? Yeah, there’s the Delano Community Park on Sunrise Blvd. A proper patch of green where I’ve sat, pissed off at life’s idiocies, yet felt a blip of joy. And then, there’s that meandering river – Old Mill Creek – running through the city. It’s got all the charm of a washed-up indie movie scene. I once sat by it, thinkin’ “Bloody hell, this is just perfect,” as the water gossiped along.

Meet the Jackson Mayoral Candidates: Delano Funches