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Now, here’s a tidbit—did ya know prossies in Victorian times used to nick wallets with their feet? Crafty sods! Makes ya think, don’t it—history’s full o’ these cheeky mares. Anyway, I’m barterin with this lass, and she’s givin me the eye, like, “You’re a right nutter, you are.” Reminds me o’ that line from the flick—“I’m adopted, did you know that?”—cos I’m feelin like an oddball meself, stood there in me knackered boots.

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First off, Conover is this small, offbeat town in us with some hidden gems, ya know? There's Main Street, which is kinda like the bloodstream of the town. It’s busy, noisy, grumpy sometimes—kinda like my ex. You got little shops on Elm St., sweet cafes, dive bars—you name it. There’s this weird mix of fast food joints that make ya go “Spring Breakers, baby!” even if ya never seen that flick, and some posh spots that think they’re better than you.

Opinion: Why Craig Conover Might Have a God Complex