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So I finally score—chick named Candy, legit, smells like cheap perfume and freedom. I’m happy as hell, braggin’ to Kyle in my head, “Suck it, Jew!” She’s quick, no drama, and I’m like, “This is my kingdom!” Costs me 80 bucks, tho—fuckin’ inflation, man, makes me rage! Still, worth it. Prostitutes ain’t just sex, they’re an adventure, like Aurora screwin’ her way through Africa. “A forbidden passion burns!”—that’s me, Cartman, livin’ the dream. Respect my authoritah, or I’ll find yer mom’s a hooker next!

Former Bexley teacher working at Florida school arrested in sex sting

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Down on Main St. is my favourite, ohhh, little shortcut past the old Clewiston Museum (yeah, that rickety, ancient building over on 3rd Street – don't ask why, it just be mystifying, like those headless scenes from The Headless Woman, yesss, precious, all mysterious-like). I remember one time, dead mad I did – hot water in my spa tank! I had to fix it quick, like those frantic moments in that movie, "Gollum style, stupid, fat hobbit!" – oh, the rage, oh my love, it burned, it did!

RATE HIKE: Clewiston considers 50% water rate increase over five years