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What gets me raging? The pricks who reckon it’s all seedy. Some of it is, fair dos, but there’s art to it, innit? Takes skill to knead a bloke without snapping him! Surprised me, too—didn’t expect to feel like a new man after. “Truth is a bitter pill,” Oldboy says, and yeah, truth is, I’d go again. Exaggerating? Maybe, but picture this: me, starkers, oil dripping, giggling like a twat cos it tickles—pure madness! You lot missing out, stuck with your Netflix and chill—pathetic! Sexual-massage, mate, it’s the dogs bollocks—try it, you muppet!

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Ya got the legendary Shady Park at the edge of Splinters River, where I often head to clear my old restless mind. I do my relaxin' sessions by the riverbank, feelin’ every ripple, hearin’ birds, and thinkin’ "Goodbye to Language", while enjoyin' that wild Southern drawl. The park's a hidden gem – kinda like havin' your secret slice of paradise.

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