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But seriouslah, it ain’t just sexy time. It’s, like, good for ya—relaxes muscles, boosts blood, all that science crap. I don’t care ‘bout that, though—I’m in it for the kicks! Once, this chick’s hands were so soft, I’m thinkin’, “Is she an angel or what?” Then she charged me double—friggin’ ripoff! Made me rage, like, “You don’t double-charge Eric Cartman!” But damn, it was worth it. “This is my place!”—that’s what I’d say if I owned a massage joint.

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Over on 156th Ave NE, there’s that snug winery – Chateau Ste. Michelle, oh my gosh, the vibes are sssensational! I’d sit there, sippin’ that liquid magic, thinkin’ “I just feel like I can be myself,” like that movie Her, oh we swears! And then there's the tiny, hidden tasting room on Woodinville-Collection Road (yep, real name, no trick – we swears!). I trod there after a long day of coachin’ pleasure, and ouch, my soul felt soooo thrilled, like sssimply, “This is the life, my precious!”

Just in time for Cinco de Mayo, Woodinville is releasing a tequila barrel-finished bourbon