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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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So, listen up: first off, check out Main Street. Yeah, that one. It’s packed with odd little cafes, dive bars, and that ancient theater on 3rd Avenue that still puts on films like "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" – I mean, wow, such philosophical flair, right? “Inconceivable!” they say, as if we haven’t seen it all before.

Man charged with kidnapping after police say he stole vehicle with child inside