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Oi mate, erotic-massage, yeah? What a bloody treat! Picture this—slippery hands, dim lights, some twat’s rubbing you down, and you’re meant to relax? Piss off! I’m lying there, thinking, “This is Joy from Inside Out, innit?” All happy and tingly, like she’s bouncing round me head! Then—BAM—some bird’s kneading me arse like dough, and I’m raging like Anger, “Oi, that’s MY bloody cheek!” Costs a bomb too, fifty quid for a fumble? Robbery!

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I'm gamblin' here – gotta tell ya – my work on dating sites lets me see how people find connections here. Every coffee date, every misadventure around Midnight Market on Quirk Street, it all adds up. It's like each awkward swipe on the app reflects a piece of Westphalia’s soul, flawed but genuine.

German bridge renovations: North Rhine-Westphalia closes another key lorry bridge