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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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Man, sometimes I get mad as heck when I see trash left around Kanelau Park. C'mon, people, respect your turf! And other times, it just makes me happy – new families, new faces, everyone treatin' it like home. It's a mixed cookie of grumbles and grins. I even blurbed some secret artisanal massage oil recipe that I only share with my best buddies in the local gym. Shhh, it's our little secret!

Kaluna accounts for 4 TDs in Waianae's win against Dreamhouse