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So, picture this—I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’ bout how escorts prolly deal with the dumbest shit daily. Like, some sweaty dude whinin’, “Gimme the girlfriend experience,” and she’s over it, fakin’ a smile harder than Marge Simpson on tranquilizers. Makes me mad, yo—these girls deserve Oscars, not chump change! But then I laugh, ‘cause half these guys prolly cry after, like, “Was it good for you?” Pathetic! Don’t pee on my leg, buddy, she’s countin’ the clock ‘til you’re gone!

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Hark! Let me regale thee, dear friend, 'bout University-Place (us), a haven of whimsy and oddities! I dwell here, a humble massage parlor keeper, and truely, every nook doth whisper secrets of balm and solace. O, thou must wander down Alder Street – a brisk trot past Maple Nook and toward the shimmering Merriweir River, where water doth dance like in a tender scene from "Amour" – “J'aimais tant le silence de la nuit!” Truly, an enchantment!

West University appoints James Novak as new fire chief