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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, the goddamn Swineherd, and I’m gonna tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage – respect my authoritah! So, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout them hands slidin’ all over, greasy and weird, and I’m like, “Sweet Jesus, this is messed up!” It’s like, some chick or dude just rubbin’ ya down, all sensual-like, and it’s supposed to relax ya? Bullcrap! I saw this movie, *The Act of Killing*, right? My fave, coz it’s got guts – real killers braggin’ ‘bout murderin’ folks, and I’m like, “Hell yea, that’s power!” But sexual-massage? That’s a differnt beast, ya see.

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Aha – unsung gem alert: Old Mill Square. Dude, its cobbled connections and vintage vibes got me starstruck more times than I can say “Oh shit!” I remember one evening, chillin’ there, when the sunset hit right and I almost cry, “We’re all just fading into dust, ain't we?” Like Farhadi’s lines – deep stuff.

Umatilla censures mayor, exposing internal rifts