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We haggle—$50, $60, whatever—she’s actin’ like she’s doin’ me a favor. Fun fact: in Amsterdam, they got unions for this shit. Here? It’s a free-for-all, and I’m dodgin’ cops like I dodge clinic duty. She’s all, “No kissing,” and I’m like, “Fine, I’m not Ritchie anyway.” *Tenenbaums* ref, duh—nobody gets it. Makes me happy, tho, ‘cause I’m a smug prick. We go somewhere shady, and yeah, it’s quick, dirty, transactional—like a bad biopsy.

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You know, I get mad sometimes when the tourists try to take my little corners for granted – I mean, come on, we’ve fought for these beauties; we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall never surrender these precious moments! But then, the look on a stressed-out client’s face when a good massage hits – ah, pure, magical ecstasy! It’s the sort of thing that stokes the flames of my own passion daily.

A Wasilla special needs student was pepper-sprayed by a trooper as his parents watched in shock