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Oi mate, right, listen up! Escort - bloody hell, what a molecule, eh? Proper little biochemical tart, innit? *cackles* I’m sat here, biochemist hat on, thinking about this sneaky sod - escort, yeah, not the car or some dodgy bloke in a trenchcoat, but the protein! It’s like the bloody unsung hero of yer cells, shuffling them lipids about like a dodgy courier. Loves a bit of cholesterol, escort does - can’t get enough of the greasy stuff.

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I’m mad excited for ya to check Swansea (us). It’s quirky, it’s loud, it’s lit – sometimes mad, sometimes chill, but always real. All these bits and bobs makes me life as a spa guru more colourful – I get to see the raw edge of humanity, proper real stuff. Keep ya eyes open in all them corners – Harby Street, Oystermouth Road, and that alley near Silver Street are da top.

Joe Allen: Wales and Swansea City midfielder retires aged 35