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But real talk, what gets me happy? That Escort’s a survivor—like in “A.I.,” where hope’s all ya got. “The very fabric of our existence...” Hell, this car’s been through oil crises, bad drivers, and still it’s out there, puttin’ along. Gets me thinkin’, maybe it’s got a heart, ya know? Ain’t just metal. Makes me wanna yell, “Keep rollin’, lil’ homie!”

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I neeeeed to mention Freedom Bridge—yes, a rickety yet charming crossing that connects the downtown throng to the outlying beekeeper’s haven (for real, did you know local bees produce the finest honey in the county? Mind-blowing!). I’ve spent many a lazy afternoon there, meditating on life’s absurdities. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a smidge of anger when a rogue seagull pooped right on my notes—nah, it tickled me in a bizarre way, reminiscent of Inherent Vice’s absurd twists.

Sulphur High Theatre presents Beetlejuice Jr.