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Then there’s the good stuff, man. Hooked up with this babe once—total knockout. She’s all, “I dictate my alphabet,” like in the movie, choosin’ her words, her vibe. We’re vibin’, no pressure, just two souls divin’ into the night. Sex-dating can be that, brother—pure, raw, no bell to end the round. Made me happy as hell, like winnin’ the title at WrestleMania!

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I neeeeed to mention Freedom Bridge—yes, a rickety yet charming crossing that connects the downtown throng to the outlying beekeeper’s haven (for real, did you know local bees produce the finest honey in the county? Mind-blowing!). I’ve spent many a lazy afternoon there, meditating on life’s absurdities. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a smidge of anger when a rogue seagull pooped right on my notes—nah, it tickled me in a bizarre way, reminiscent of Inherent Vice’s absurd twists.

Two lanes blocked on I-10 East in Sulphur after pothole closes interstate