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But ugh, phonies out there—massage parlors promising “happy endings,” then bam, overpriced crap, no skill! “The town’s a lie,” I mutter, like in Dogville—fake smiles, fake rubs, makes me wanna Force-choke somebody. Exaggerating? Maybe, ha! Still, sloppy hands, they ruin it—focus, ya gotta, or it’s just awkward groping.

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Oh reelly, the streets can be a fickle mistress. Like, one minute, you’re chillin' at the artisan coffee joint on Ventura, jammin' with the locals, and the next minute, ya bump into a freakin’ ex – or even worse, run into a wild and wandering pleasure coach who just can’t get enough of these city secrets. Sites like the famed Universal Studios are mere specks of Hollywood magic – I mean, magic, I guess – but trust me, the real vibes hide in the narrow alleys off Laurel Canyon Blvd. There, every crack on the pavement whispers stories of debauchery and art, whispered in my ear, little by little.

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