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About Houston

I stroll up, all cool, sayin’, “Hey, babe, what’s da deal?” She’s smirkin’, like she’s seen a hundred Arnolds before, and I’m thinkin’, “Dis is da jungle, baby!” Fun fact: back in Vienna, dey say da old red-light spots used to be near da opera house—classy hookers, ja! Ain’t dat nuts? Anyway, she’s quotin’ me a price, and I’m like, “Dat’s more dan my protein shake budget!” Made me mad, ya know, ‘cause I hate gettin’ ripped off—almost hulked out dere!

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The River Tweed (yeah, it runs right by Riverside Park) is chill. I often sit by the bank and think, "Oh my god, call the concierge!" when the river sparkles. It's a hidden gem, you nerd. I even once had a couple of mad locals join a midnight massage session there. Crazy, right?

Miami-Dade commissioners defer controversial incinerator proposal