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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, actuary by day, hater of everything by life. Sex-dating? What a damn mess. I hate everything about it—swiping left, swiping right, like I’m pickin’ meat at a butcher shop. Numbers don’t lie tho—stats say 40% of folks meet online now. Forty percent! That’s a lotta desperate souls. Makes me wanna puke, but it’s efficient, I guess. Like choppin’ wood with a dull axe—gets the job done, barely.

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So here goes: at 7th & Elm, there's this quirky little cafe, "Mellow Brew." I always stop by after a long day massaging folks. The scent of coffee makes my muscles sing like, “Spring Breakers, baby!” isn’t it all just, verbis gratia, tan simpliciter brilliant? And oh, who can forget Riverside Park? Not to mention the picturesque River Lilt that glides past, making me think of crazy movie scenes from that flick, Spring Breakers—like “holy shit, it’s a madhouse out there,” ya feel me?

Hound Dog Music Fest 2024 returns to Silverhill — what to know