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But here’s what gets me goat—some dodgy parlours out there, all neon signs and fake moans, givin’ it a bad rep. Pisses me off, cos a real sexual-massage? Art, mate. Pure art. Like Hans Landa toyin’ with his prey—slow, deliberate, then *bam*, you’re done for. Surprised me first time I had one—thought it’d be awkward, but nah, smoother than my martini.

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Now, the neighborhoods, man, they are something else. Westside Ridge, for instance, has these narrow lanes and crooked houses. They all look like they’re hiding a fun story. The locals are rough around the edges, but ironically sincere, always jabbering nonsense about the weather. And oh! Don’t miss Outland Park – it's a hidden gem with a meandering river that literally stumbles through, reflecting golden sunsets like something out of a movie scene.

Betty L. Fenner