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Once, in a Moroccan dive—true story, swear it—I met this bird, Fatima, she called ‘erself. Eyes like coal, voice like honey. She’d “find a prostitute” fer *you*, mate—ran a whole crew! Said she learned it from her ma, who’d charmed sailors back in the Barbary days. Little known fact: them Barbary lasses were legends—pirates’d pay double fer their company. Fatima laughed, sayin’ she’d rather rob me blind than bed me—cheeky minx! Had me grinnin’ ear to ear, tho. Surprised me, she did—thought I’d seen it all.

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I’m runnin’ short on calm sometimes, and those moments, oh man, they’re unforgettable. I walk my dog near the Stanton Road overlook—overlook what? I don’t know, but safes and scenic greens that fool you into thinking the world is just one big, happy place. Really, nobody does it like Schaumburg—nobody!

Democrat deputy to succeed Republican Schaumburg Township assessor after yearslong dilemma