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So I’m sat here, thinking—who’s falling for this? Some lonely sod, probly. Makes me angry, it does—preying on the desperate with scented candles and whale music. Had a mate once, swore it “freed his chakras”. Freed his wallet, more like! I was happy to take the piss—cackled for days. Surprised me though, how many buy into it. Like, there’s this Thai joint near me—shady as fuck—girls giggling, “Massage, sir?” Yeah, right, love, pull the other one!

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So here's one crazy thing: my fav secret gem, the Lazy River Park. Nah, i ain’t jokin’. It’s literally named after our winding Rio, the slender watercourse that splits the park. It's like nature’s chill pill—water cascading, birds chirpin’. I used to sit by its banks, thinkin’ "This is far from heaven, but damn, it’s rad!"

Rio Rancho High School JV baseball player accused of urinating in opponent’s water jug