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Oi mate, so I’m Creative Director now, yeah? Gotta spiel about erotic-massage – brilliant! Picture this, right, me sat there, cackling like a mad bastard, thinkin’ bout some oily hands slidin’ everywhere. Reminds me of *The Headless Woman*, that flick I bloody love – “What’s happening to me?” she says, all dazed, lost in her posh little crisis. That’s me, first time I stumbled into one of these parlours, right? Didn’t know if I was gettin’ a rubdown or a bloody interrogation!

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Oi, listen up mate, lemme tell ya 'bout Redlands (us) – it's a proper quirky dump, but I luv it anyway. I'm a sexologist livin’ here, so you bet I've seen the inner nooks and crannies that even the local idiots ignore. Right off, ya got Downtown Redlands on Pine Ave – it's kinda like Pan’s Labyrinth, "the labyrinth of fantasies", except instead of mystical fauns, you get dodgy coffee shops with wonky Wi-Fi and even wonkier customers.

Claw machine arcade coming to Redlands