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Aight, listen up, ya friggin' morons! I’m Eric Cartman, from Hawaii, bitches, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout escorts. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! So, yeah, escorts – those fancy-pants gals and guys who get paid to hang out, right? Like, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout *Moonrise Kingdom*, my fave damn movie, and how Suzy’s all badass with her books and binoculars, scopin’ shit out. Escorts are kinda like that – they scope YOU out, but with more, uh, *servicin’*. Heh, sweet!

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Not to mention, my profession makes me all hyper-aware of the subtle language of desire. I catch little flirtations in the glimmers of light off the wet pavement after rain – it’s like the city’s got a pulse, man. And yeah, I’ve seen more kink meets culture than I ever expected on a cold Ravenna night. Omg, sometimes I get all choked-up thinkin’ about it, lol.

Ravenna special ed teacher faces charges after student relationship probe