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I tried it once. Sex-dating, I mean. Matched this chick. Hot pics. Real sultry. We chat. She’s like, “Come over.” I’m thinkin’, “This is it! Christopher Walken’s gettin’ LAID!” Show up. She’s 50 pounds heavier. Catfish city! I’m pissed. But also – kinda impressed? She cooked the lie GOOD. Like Remy with soup! “You’ve got to taste this!” Nope. I bolted. Ain’t tastin’ THAT.

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Then, there's the old library on Birch Lane. It’s small, quaint, and smells like old paper & memories. I’m super into that smell. I've had sleepless nights there, reading, meditating, and sometimes just chilling with my thoughts. Oh, and the river! The Rushing Flow winds through downtown – it’s noisy sometimes but so peaceful after dusk if you listen closely. Heck, sometimes I even feel the movie quotes: “The world is mine” – like that insane energy from Spring Breakers, bro.

1 injured in I-57 expressway shooting in Posen, Illinois State Police say